i am finally at peace with myself

so i'm posting because i need to rant and just put thought into text.
okay, so i don't want to go into detail but i just found out something very disconcerting and i'm caught in a really uncomfortable triangle that was supposed to never exist. I feel stripped of my morals and what I stand for..i don't know it's not even that. I just feel so, so used and I was played, I don't understand how I didn't see this coming. Why do I fall for stupidity and lies which ends up becoming an even more complex situation. This can't even be considered betrayal because it was never anything to begin with, I really should have known that earlier. I feel like shit and I don't understand why this happened. Ugh, I am so frustrated and hurt. I need a good rant session and to get over this and move on with my life. That sounds waaaayyy easier than it ever will be.

first post in a LONG time and the only reason i'm doing this is to find another way to procrastinate...i love college, just not the work. what else is new? haha hopefully i'll post another entry in the near future. i've got a busy week ahead of me so no promises.

didn't run or swim today but i overcompensated in the reading department....
i shall make it up tommorow

Happy Birthday J.K. Rowling! Thank you so much for creating the magical literary masterpiece that is Harry Potter. You have brought literature into the lives of millions of people; readers and non-readers alike and have actually spread a love for reading. I admire your books and charity work and take it to heart. You inspire me, thanks for everything.

( Pics" )

i've decided that everyday until SBU starts, i must run, go in my pool and read. no excuses.
i regret not updating this thing more during the summer because it's been a fun one but better late than never right?

p.s. rain makes running and the pool so much better<3

so ashley just left. this is going to be one of my hardest transitions ever.

where did time go? honestly, it feels like just the other day i was at recess playing tag and entering middle school and playing on my first varsity sport. Today was my last day of high school and i don't know what to feel. For the past couple of weeks i have been dying to get out of school, it was just a complete waste of time since we never really did anything. I never really contemplated that I was actually leaving highschool forever. It just felt like we were going to come back to school next year and we'd see the same faces for a long time. Even at graduation practice today when i was signing yearbooks, it still didn't dawn upon me that i'm really leaving.

For the past couple of weeks it felt like i had no emotion. When people asked if i was sad that i was graudutating i'd scoff and roll my eyes. During these weeks it was as if a stone seal was covering my heart and causing me to have no emotion. I built a wall so i wouldn't get hurt and upset. but now the wall is getting chipped away at and i'm starting to feel and recognize the big changes that are coming. In the next few weeks, if not days, the wall is going to come down completely and i'm going to be hurting but atleast i know i'm human. When i came home today and read my yearbook, it hit me. I am leaving. I am never going to see all of my classmates in school ever again. I am moving on to bigger and better things but i can't help but want to keep a stonghold on highschool It's a comfort zone, it's predictable and i already have found my place. Now, i have to start a whole new life. Let's save this for another entry.

so today when i came home to read my yearbook i was just so appreciative and amazed at all the nice things people had to say. You never really realize how you impacted someone's life, or they impacted yours until you have to say goodbye. i regret not spending more time with people that i actually care about rather than kids i probably won't stay in touch with. That may sound a bit harsh but it's true. I also wish i had gotten to know a lot more people, it feels like i don't even know most of the people i pass in the hallways everyday. Highschool has flown by, i really am amazed at how fast it went. You never know how much you're going to miss it until you're the one that's leaving. You never believe what people tell you until you actually experience it. I just had a good cry, but i don't think it was because i was ad. I just feel so appreciative of everyone and all the great times i have had with them. You sometimes forget about all the memories but when they come back up again, it feels like it was yesterday that it was happening.

I am truly going to miss all of my friends. I definitely took the time i had to spend with them for granted. I don't know how i'm going to find people like them in college, oh wait i'm not because each and every one of them are different and irreplacable. I sincerley regret not getting to know some more people but on the bright side, i have a whole summer of catching up to do :) i love all of my friends. You don't realize how important they are to you until you have to say goodbye<3

i have so so so much to write about, but so little time.....

here's the new litter patrol uniform hahaha

( One Love )

i love random acts of kindness :)
i am so, so happy that spring break is finally here...now only if the weather warmed up...

i think it'd be really fun one day to dress up like this and walk around our neighborhood, or the city and take a nice horse and carriage ride like the olden days. i would do without the veil though, i just really love the hat and gloves ^_^

( classy )

today was an eventful and fun April Fool's Day :) Due to some sort of crazy external power force Jack has over me, i decided to play hooky -along with ash and mare- and not go to track practice. it was the absolute perfect day to skip because it was so crappy and gray outside. since he works at AMC Loews, we get to see movies for free :D We ended up catching the 2:00 Monsters vs. Aliens show in 3D. The movie theater is a weird place to be at during midafternoon on a weekday. It's so desolate, it was very eerie in a way, so quiet and not a soul in the women's bathroom :O it felt like we were VIP being granted access to a secret spot having the whole domain of the theater to explore for ourselves. The 3D glasses made us look absolutely ridiculous, definitely like an old lady out in the sun. (i was thinking sophia from golden girls)

On the way back from the movies, we spotted this cute guy driving next to us in a black hybrid with a georgetown bumpersticker on it. (oh plus he was wearing a soccer warm up!) which means perfection. we started acting obnoxious and pointing and laughing (in a good way) and trying to get his attention. ash wanted to blow a kiss at him but unfortunately it was too late since Jack drives like a crazy man. After a while, we see his car in the turning lane and we think about how creepy it would be to stalk him so jack decides to cross like 3 lanes of traffic to do some dirty work. On the level of creepiness factor, we were only about a 4, so we decide to keep following him....until we got to his house! BIGGEST CREEPERSSSS I thought he was going to call the cops on us since it seemed like he was trying to lose us by speeding and making random chaotic roads but he wasn't. As he was getting out of his car we yell "April Fools!" out the window and blew some kisses. He waved to us so he was actually kind of cool about it...or freaked out. whateverrr

After our stalker tirade, we thought it'd be fun to play a little ding-dong-ditch...and of all people freaking Engellau. Me, Jack and Ash decided to creep up and hide in the bushes while ash rings the door bell...no answer so i get up and bang on the door with my fist. we wait a couple seconds and Eng peers out her door looking for people. Well, when we get a glimpse of her we can't help but throw ourselves to the ground and laugh our asses off. She comes out with a bathrobe and soaking wet hair because she had to run out of the shower. just her expression, pure shock that it was us. She basically told us to get the hell out of her bushes so we just left. hahahaha oh god, i wish we had that on film!!!! ughhh it would have been amazing. oh well, there's always tonetti to mess with..



( True Craftsmanship )

right now, i'm kicking myself over past mistakes. i'm not sure why, especially when i always try to look ahead and move forward. ughhhh this is so frustrating! you can't change anything from the past, so why dwell on it? is there any other way to stop regretting past decisions that you cannot change?

i love being outside, i really do. The sun really does make you happy, you just can't help but love your life.

This morning I went for a nice jog in the trails and on a beach exploration with Brooke. At the beach, everything was just beautiful! From the color of the sky and water to the sand and shells, it was so nice. You could see Connecticut so clearly from across the Sound! Over the summer, I really want to kayak to Connecticut or just take the ferry and chill there for the day. Going to the beach early in the morning - especially when it isn't ideal beach weather - is just so relaxing and pensive. It brought me back to my roots and as corny as this sound, gave me an inner peace. I already vowed to myself that at least once every 2 weeks (during school) and once every week during the summer I'm going to pick up litter at the beach. All i want to do is make the Earth a better place and improve my surroundings. I'm gonna go into Environmentalist mode here but i'm in love with nature. It gives you a sense of tranquility and i'm going to try to do everything in my power to make the Earth a better place. Running in the trails is sooooo much better than running on the track. You get to observe so many things while you're getting a kick-ass workout! (you'll know what i'm talking about if you ever ran the Camels [giant ass sand hills] behind the school) And to top it all off, today was the first day of spring and we were blessed with such a beautiful day! This summer is going to be intense, i can't wait :D

Oh! Plus, tomorow a new season of Planet Earth is on!!! 8:00 pm Ch 27 Dsc yayayayyyyyyy I became interested in Blue Planet (same show but about ocean life) from Marine Science, best class.

I love the vernal equinox<33333

The Romantics and Mary Shelley were right, nature really does act as a restorative :)

( <3 )

ha, life has a funny way of proving you wrong!

i don't like the feeling of being taken for granted and unappreciated. before i leave highschool, i think i need to learn how to stick up for myself.

ohhhhhhh myyy goodddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Britney was AMAZING!!!! honestly, there's just like no words to describe it. I just had a ridiculous amount of fun. Just the fact that we had a limo to drive us there put the icing on the cake. We just blasted Britney songs and sang obnoxiously the whole way there <3 Pulling up to the arena, you just feel like VIP i wish her agents mistook us for important people and we could have possibly met Brit! I got this really sweet t-shirt i'll keep for life, hopefully it shrinks in the dryer! I didn't get to see the Pussycat Dolls because i was waiting on line for the bathroom. There was such a long line we went to the men's bathroom and found a longer line. Kacey took a video of this girl peeing in a urinal and later out we found out that it was probably Jackie. I didn't really mind though, as long as i didn't miss Brit, i heard the Pussycat Dolls were pretty raunchy and strip poles hahaha.

When she came out it was like pandamonia, you couldn't hear yourself scream, only the defeaning boom of hundreds of fan girls. The whole concert was just well put together, she had so many costume changes but in between them, circus acts would be performed such as flamethrowers and people flipping on tiny trampoline balance beams... they even did this trick where Brit was put in this box and cut her body in half it was so cool! The flatness of that woman's stomach is unbelievable, especially just after having two kids! Her dance performances were crazy though, she's just overall an amazing performer. I know some people have issues with the controversy over whether she lip syncs or not but i don't really care. I know she has to for most dance numbers because absolutely no one can do those routines and sing steadily/understandable, i don't really see what the problem is with that? Anyway....the concert was an overall blast! I want to say the opening of "Circus," "Hit Me Baby One More Time" (Remix) and "Womanizer" were the biggest crowd pleasers. EVeryone went crazy during "Hit Me Baby" it was probably the best version i ever heard. She also sung "Everytime" while get lifted into the air on this umbrella, it was pretty sick. Our whole group just went freaking crazy the whole time, I really thought there was going to be an encore since her setlist released to the media said she was supposed to end with "Circus" (Remix) but she never did :( The whole time we were there, there was a rumor going around that Madonna was supposed to guest star to sing "Me Against the Music" but it never happened, oh well. She did sing too many songs from Blackout (the album she was pretty drugged up for) and i didn't know many of the songs but fortunately i don't really recall that part so it's all good haha. I want to say the worst part of the concert was leaving, ah oh so Bittersweet.

two random pictures from facebook, i take absolutely no credit.

( Brit )

"Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day, I've got a wonderful feeling, everything's going my way..."

ahhhhhhhhhhh today it was soooooo nice outside! I mean it hasn't been this warm in a long time<3333 I've been so sick of this winter weather and dirty snow that this little taste of spring weather was so welcome and promising. I really do think that warm weather does motivate you to be productive and gives you hope for new things. [The hope part may have sounded over the top but for the past week, I think I might've come down with cabin fever or a slight case of S.A.D] Anyway, hopefully this a sign that spring is coming sooner rather than later (take that Puxatawney Phil!)

On Friday, I won Mr. Bonomi's raffle and received Goldfish, and I noticed something in the ingredients that made me laugh :)

( + )

This past week I'm starting to realize that everything really does happen for a reason, whether you like it or not. I've also learned that you can't dwell on the past because there's nothing you can do to change it. The only time you have is in now, so focus on that rather than the "shoulda, coulda, woulda." Don't worry about the things you can't control, only look ahead at all the possibilities that are waiting for you.